The Future

May is coming to a close and June is soon approaching.  The month of June is such a jumble of emotions for me. Having given birth to 3 June babies, one of which was my angel, Anneliese, means many happy and sad dates in the month of June. The beginning of June marks 8 years of motherhood.  My firstborn girl, who made me a mama!  My rainbow baby boy, Joshua, was born on June 19th, just two days before Anneliese’s birthday! What were the odds of that? I really didn’t want him to share a birth month with her, but due to pregnancy complications, it was out of my control, and in God’s hands.  Then, on June 25th, we host the 4th annual Strollin’ to Fight SIDS, which is a huge stressor for me as well. It’s wonderful watching it succeed, but so stressful planning an event with little help from others.

This past year has been wonderfully difficult to say the least.  I think that people assume that when you give birth to a baby after a SIDS loss that things are immediately better.  They are not. Nothing can replace a child.  I have tried to focus on the scripture, Joshua 1:9, but I haven’t always been successful at keeping fear, and PTSD, at bay. Then add on top of that the fact that Joshua was basically the exact same age as Anneliese in October when she died, and exactly two days older than her for every day for the rest of our lives.. it’s been bittersweet seeing him reach milestones that she might have met on the same timeline. I pray that he will continue to meet milestones and be with me for years to come. I have been scared to schedule his party. I want to have a huge party, but.. you know. I don’t want to say it. I think we will just keep it small.

I have had a rough few weeks/months, battling depression and the stresses of running an event to which I am so emotionally tied.  This year, I prayed that we would get help running the event. My friend and I were so hopeful that the Guild would help.. but that hasn’t panned out. I have done what I could to find sponsors, and to increase registration, but things could definitely be better.  A month ago when we were on New Day Northwest, I was so hopeful.  I had built up in my mind how complete strangers would feel compelled by my story and that they would donate to our event, and that sponsors would come out of the woodwork, and that people would flock to register.  It was a huge let-down when not a single person donated after the show.  Not a single one. I crashed.  I felt like giving up.  I have prayed about it, and I know that I cannot continue in my efforts without a team.  Perhaps God is telling me that it’s time to quit.

I don’t want to quit, but I have been waiting and praying for help every year, and it hasn’t materialized.  I know it’s not good for my health, or for the family that I have here, that I stress so much. Depending on how this year goes, and on what help does or doesn’t arrive.. this might be the end.
C

 

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Strollin’ to Fight SIDS 2016

I am excited to announce that registration is well underway for Strollin’ to Fight SIDS 2016! Our next event is June 25, 2016 in Bellevue, WA.  This year all proceeds will benefit SIDS Research Guild at Seattle Children’s Hospital!

Link to a recent article regarding this groundbreaking research:

Seattle Times article

Registration information is available on our website: www.strollintofightsids.org

Also, I am excited that I will be on King 5 New Day Northwest with Dr. Rubens on May 5th!

Join us! Can’t attend? Consider making a tax-deductible donation. Donation link can be found on our main page.

 

 

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Missing you

Nothing fancy. Just wanted to tell you that mommy misses you every day. I’m feeling so depressed and alone. You should be turning 4. Sometimes I feel like giving up

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Lonely

Some days, just suddenly, I feel lonely.  Child loss is a lonely path.  I’m over 3 years out, and I certainly don’t expect others to hover over me like they did when I just lost Anneliese. But sometimes, I wish that someone would still ask me how I’m doing, or mention her name.

I think of her every day still.  And I probably always will.

Some days I still am shocked that this really happened to my sweet, seemingly healthy baby.

Some days, I wish someone would check in on me to see how I am coping with my fears while raising her younger brother.

I wish that others would understand that there is no “getting over” losing her, and that having Joshua doesn’t ease the ache in my heart for Anneliese.

I miss my “friends” who left me in a hurry. I don’t have the plague. SIDS isn’t contagious.  But perhaps they think grief is.

I wish I wasn’t a helicopter parent, aware of every danger that could possibly befall my 3 living children.  I wish I was sure that Joshua would celebrate his 1st birthday.  That I don’t have to fear him rolling to his tummy to sleep at night. I wish my faith was strong enough.

But because I fear is my faith really absent?

I wish I didn’t feel a tad bit jealous when others say that their prayers were answered, or that God worked a miracle in their lives.  I am happy their prayers were answered, and that their child was saved.  But where was Anneliese’s miracle?

Where was God when I screamed for Him to allow the EMT’s to bring her back to me.  Where was He when I was writhing on the ground in agony?

He was with me.

Why? Why did he allow her to die? Maybe He saved her from a worse fate? Her salvation as an innocent is assured. I will see her in heaven.

But I’m selfish.  I want her here with me.

Thy will be done..

 

 

 

 

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3 years yesterday

3 years yesterday. Missing Anneliese. I made this video to remember her:


https://flipagram.com/f/eWoIGVydws

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Guest blog post at Babies after 35

A huge thank you to Babies after 35 for inviting me to be a guest blogger on their site! Check out my story at:   A Rainbow After the Storm

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My rainbow is here! (A bit belated)

Wow, I can’t believe it.. it’s been over a month since our rainbow baby arrived!  I was in the hospital due to placenta previa for over a month. Although it was boring, and stressful, there were blessings in my hospital stay as well.  I am thankful that we live in this day and age when both Joshua and I had the option for medical intervention, and for life.  In days past we both would have died.

Sitting in the hospital for over a month with very few visitors leaves too much time for the mind to wander; to think back on what was lost.  To think and fear about my new baby and whether we would even get to deliver safely, and then after that, if he would live to see his first birthday.  In those times of fear, God sent many angels to me in the form of my antepartum nurses.  Seattle is typically considered a fairly atheist area, so I was surprised to find out just how many of my nurses believed.  In my times of fear, they held my hand, and extinguished my fears.  They prayed for me and my rainbow.  And when he was born, they laid hands on him again and said a prayer for well-being.   As difficult as my hospital stay has been, there are parts of me that actually miss it.  I miss my “friends” that I came to know in the course of their jobs.  They went above and beyond, caring for me not only physically, but spiritually.

Then God showed me even more of a miracle.  I think it was a sign from Anneliese that all would be ok.  Months ago, my friend Summer, at The Transparency Project,http://transparencyproject.net/,  gave me a Bible quote as we were trying to decide our little man’s name.  It was Joshua 1:9. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” NIV

It was this very verse that helped me to know that his name was to be Joshua.  For I needed just this: to be strong and courageous after SIDS.  For months I knew his name. We set our c-section date for July 1st which would have been 37 weeks and 1 day.  But Joshua had other plans.  On June 19th, just 2 days before Anneliese’s 3rd birthday (and also Father’s Day), I got up out of the hospital bed to use the bathroom, and felt a large continuous gush.  I looked down.. and saw that I was bleeding profusely.  It was time.  Joshua decided his own birthday: 6/19/15.  I was prepped for an emergency c-section, my IV placed, my doctor was paged, and I called my husband and told him to come in immediately.  Wheeled into surgery, I was scared.  I was going to be a mom again.  This was really going to happen.  Although a c-section was not what I had envisioned as a “healing” birth after a SIDS loss, it was out of my hands, and in God’s.  My husband arrived, and they began.  When I heard his cries, I began to shed tears of joy, mixed with sorrow.  Joy at his birth, and sadness renewed at the thought that Anneliese should be here, 3 years old, to be a big sister to Joshua.  I was able to briefly see our new bundle, and then he was whisked away to the NICU as he was only 36 weeks and 3 days.  I was taken into a different room for recovery.  The room number?  619 of course.  Later after the drugs wore off I realized the significance.  The book of Joshua is the 6th book in the Old Testament.  The verse that Summer gave me, Joshua 1:9, the numbers put together were the same as his birth date, the 19th.  My room that I was placed in, 619.  Coincidence? I think not.

Every day I thank God that he is here with us.  When I fear, I look back to that verse, and to the cascade of events that day that I cannot deny, and I look to the heavens.  For God is good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ROM 8:28
PicMonkey Collage

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Countdown to my rainbow

Today I am 36 weeks and 1 day! After all the scares I’ve had I’m so happy to have made it this far. I am still hospitalized, and we have set a date: July 1st!

I am a bit anxious but have tried to push my fears aside by leaning on prayer. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a few breakdowns because I have. Anneliese’s 3rd birthday should have been this Sunday, which is Father’s Day. Add pregnancy hormones on top of this and of course it’s that much harder. I also fear about this baby boy, but I pray he will get to celebrate many birthdays. Besides, worrying won’t change a thing.

Since I’m hospitalized I have been unable to prepare for baby. Nothing is ready for him. I guess he won’t care. I hope I have enough newborn clothes. I guess I better buy some diapers.

It’s scary thinking of how I will have a newborn again. I really haven’t held a baby for almost 3 years. This is what I wanted, but I’m nervous, but excited too.

14 days left!

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Complications

When my husband and I decided to try to conceive, we took a leap of faith. He was currently unemployed, and it certainly was not “the right time” to try to conceive.  Previously our attempts had been thwarted: first by my cancer diagnosis, which forced us to postpone for over a year. Then by his unemployment, which led me to cancel my OB appointment to have my IUD removed. Then, as I have written before, we considered another delay when hubby’s new job of only a few months let him go. I readied myself, with tears overflowing, to cancel my appointment again. But shockingly my husband approached me after some prayer, and said that he felt that we should take a leap of faith and despite the “risks” proceed with trying to conceive because God said in scripture that He would take care of His children. So we took that leap, became pregnant, and God provided soon after with another new job.

After I found out that I was pregnant,  prayed fervently for a normal placenta, a healthy baby, and a smooth, uneventful pregnancy. I prayed that God wouldn’t put us through any more trials, especially not SIDS. I have remained fairly positive throughout the pregnancy, until just recently. I know this life is full of trials, but I thought maybe He might give us a break this time. But at 28 weeks, 6 days, my placenta previa suddenly bled, landing me in the hospital for a whole week. I am still faithful but I don’t understand why. What am I meant to learn from this current trial? While in the hospital I was steeled for a possible emergency c-section, and the likelihood that our baby boy will be a premie. This rocked me to my core, because according to SIDS stats, both boys, and preemies are more prone to SIDS. Fear crept in. Call it the devil talking to me or what you will, but now I am scared that perhaps God isn’t going to give me a happy ending. What if we lose again? My fear of SIDS has amped up again as my mind is more idle on bedrest. Not only am I scared but also fearful that God will not provide as I hoped. I am also scared about financial concerns as I was the breadwinner, and now I have months of unpaid time off while I’m incubating our rainbow. Hubby doesn’t even make enough to cover the mortgage. My friends keep telling me not to worry about bills, that God will provide. But how I ask? It’s not like anyone is paying our bills, and hubby is still only part time with no benefits, so I am going to have to pay my work almost 1000 dollars a month just to keep our health insurance. And all this will mean I will be able to afford less time off with our rainbow as our savings will be drained even before he is born. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I have acknowledged that this isn’t the path God set for me. But now I can’t even afford 8 weeks off??

My heart is breaking. I am so stressed. I know some have it much worse.. But why couldn’t I get a break just this once?

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Strollin’ to Fight SIDS

Join us June 13th!

Strollin' to Fight SIDS.

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