When my husband and I decided to try to conceive, we took a leap of faith. He was currently unemployed, and it certainly was not “the right time” to try to conceive. Previously our attempts had been thwarted: first by my cancer diagnosis, which forced us to postpone for over a year. Then by his unemployment, which led me to cancel my OB appointment to have my IUD removed. Then, as I have written before, we considered another delay when hubby’s new job of only a few months let him go. I readied myself, with tears overflowing, to cancel my appointment again. But shockingly my husband approached me after some prayer, and said that he felt that we should take a leap of faith and despite the “risks” proceed with trying to conceive because God said in scripture that He would take care of His children. So we took that leap, became pregnant, and God provided soon after with another new job.
After I found out that I was pregnant, prayed fervently for a normal placenta, a healthy baby, and a smooth, uneventful pregnancy. I prayed that God wouldn’t put us through any more trials, especially not SIDS. I have remained fairly positive throughout the pregnancy, until just recently. I know this life is full of trials, but I thought maybe He might give us a break this time. But at 28 weeks, 6 days, my placenta previa suddenly bled, landing me in the hospital for a whole week. I am still faithful but I don’t understand why. What am I meant to learn from this current trial? While in the hospital I was steeled for a possible emergency c-section, and the likelihood that our baby boy will be a premie. This rocked me to my core, because according to SIDS stats, both boys, and preemies are more prone to SIDS. Fear crept in. Call it the devil talking to me or what you will, but now I am scared that perhaps God isn’t going to give me a happy ending. What if we lose again? My fear of SIDS has amped up again as my mind is more idle on bedrest. Not only am I scared but also fearful that God will not provide as I hoped. I am also scared about financial concerns as I was the breadwinner, and now I have months of unpaid time off while I’m incubating our rainbow. Hubby doesn’t even make enough to cover the mortgage. My friends keep telling me not to worry about bills, that God will provide. But how I ask? It’s not like anyone is paying our bills, and hubby is still only part time with no benefits, so I am going to have to pay my work almost 1000 dollars a month just to keep our health insurance. And all this will mean I will be able to afford less time off with our rainbow as our savings will be drained even before he is born. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I have acknowledged that this isn’t the path God set for me. But now I can’t even afford 8 weeks off??
My heart is breaking. I am so stressed. I know some have it much worse.. But why couldn’t I get a break just this once?