Lonely

Some days, just suddenly, I feel lonely.  Child loss is a lonely path.  I’m over 3 years out, and I certainly don’t expect others to hover over me like they did when I just lost Anneliese. But sometimes, I wish that someone would still ask me how I’m doing, or mention her name.

I think of her every day still.  And I probably always will.

Some days I still am shocked that this really happened to my sweet, seemingly healthy baby.

Some days, I wish someone would check in on me to see how I am coping with my fears while raising her younger brother.

I wish that others would understand that there is no “getting over” losing her, and that having Joshua doesn’t ease the ache in my heart for Anneliese.

I miss my “friends” who left me in a hurry. I don’t have the plague. SIDS isn’t contagious.  But perhaps they think grief is.

I wish I wasn’t a helicopter parent, aware of every danger that could possibly befall my 3 living children.  I wish I was sure that Joshua would celebrate his 1st birthday.  That I don’t have to fear him rolling to his tummy to sleep at night. I wish my faith was strong enough.

But because I fear is my faith really absent?

I wish I didn’t feel a tad bit jealous when others say that their prayers were answered, or that God worked a miracle in their lives.  I am happy their prayers were answered, and that their child was saved.  But where was Anneliese’s miracle?

Where was God when I screamed for Him to allow the EMT’s to bring her back to me.  Where was He when I was writhing on the ground in agony?

He was with me.

Why? Why did he allow her to die? Maybe He saved her from a worse fate? Her salvation as an innocent is assured. I will see her in heaven.

But I’m selfish.  I want her here with me.

Thy will be done..

 

 

 

 

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About prayingformyrainbow

I am a mom of 3 girls, one lost to SIDS October 2012. A survivor of thyroid cancer, and a full time working mom trying to remain faithful that I will see my daughter again. My rainbow after SIDS arrived June 19, 2015!
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One Response to Lonely

  1. Katie says:

    Cindy I struggled with this and still sometimes do. I was having a really bad night and came across the scripture, Psalm 46:10. Be still and know I am God. Other versions have it as ‘stop striving’. I don’t know why but that is a hard thing to do because we want answers. There are definitely nights that I stayed up wrestling with the same questions. Far from a condemnation, I took to mean that I sometimes need to just rest in God and clear my mind. I know this is hard to do, but hoping that you are able to have moments of peace in the midst of this to catch your breath.

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