Some days, just suddenly, I feel lonely. Child loss is a lonely path. I’m over 3 years out, and I certainly don’t expect others to hover over me like they did when I just lost Anneliese. But sometimes, I wish that someone would still ask me how I’m doing, or mention her name.
I think of her every day still. And I probably always will.
Some days I still am shocked that this really happened to my sweet, seemingly healthy baby.
Some days, I wish someone would check in on me to see how I am coping with my fears while raising her younger brother.
I wish that others would understand that there is no “getting over” losing her, and that having Joshua doesn’t ease the ache in my heart for Anneliese.
I miss my “friends” who left me in a hurry. I don’t have the plague. SIDS isn’t contagious. But perhaps they think grief is.
I wish I wasn’t a helicopter parent, aware of every danger that could possibly befall my 3 living children. I wish I was sure that Joshua would celebrate his 1st birthday. That I don’t have to fear him rolling to his tummy to sleep at night. I wish my faith was strong enough.
But because I fear is my faith really absent?
I wish I didn’t feel a tad bit jealous when others say that their prayers were answered, or that God worked a miracle in their lives. I am happy their prayers were answered, and that their child was saved. But where was Anneliese’s miracle?
Where was God when I screamed for Him to allow the EMT’s to bring her back to me. Where was He when I was writhing on the ground in agony?
He was with me.
Why? Why did he allow her to die? Maybe He saved her from a worse fate? Her salvation as an innocent is assured. I will see her in heaven.
But I’m selfish. I want her here with me.
Thy will be done..