May is coming to a close and June is soon approaching. The month of June is such a jumble of emotions for me. Having given birth to 3 June babies, one of which was my angel, Anneliese, means many happy and sad dates in the month of June. The beginning of June marks 8 years of motherhood. My firstborn girl, who made me a mama! My rainbow baby boy, Joshua, was born on June 19th, just two days before Anneliese’s birthday! What were the odds of that? I really didn’t want him to share a birth month with her, but due to pregnancy complications, it was out of my control, and in God’s hands. Then, on June 25th, we host the 4th annual Strollin’ to Fight SIDS, which is a huge stressor for me as well. It’s wonderful watching it succeed, but so stressful planning an event with little help from others.
This past year has been wonderfully difficult to say the least. I think that people assume that when you give birth to a baby after a SIDS loss that things are immediately better. They are not. Nothing can replace a child. I have tried to focus on the scripture, Joshua 1:9, but I haven’t always been successful at keeping fear, and PTSD, at bay. Then add on top of that the fact that Joshua was basically the exact same age as Anneliese in October when she died, and exactly two days older than her for every day for the rest of our lives.. it’s been bittersweet seeing him reach milestones that she might have met on the same timeline. I pray that he will continue to meet milestones and be with me for years to come. I have been scared to schedule his party. I want to have a huge party, but.. you know. I don’t want to say it. I think we will just keep it small.
I have had a rough few weeks/months, battling depression and the stresses of running an event to which I am so emotionally tied. This year, I prayed that we would get help running the event. My friend and I were so hopeful that the Guild would help.. but that hasn’t panned out. I have done what I could to find sponsors, and to increase registration, but things could definitely be better. A month ago when we were on New Day Northwest, I was so hopeful. I had built up in my mind how complete strangers would feel compelled by my story and that they would donate to our event, and that sponsors would come out of the woodwork, and that people would flock to register. It was a huge let-down when not a single person donated after the show. Not a single one. I crashed. I felt like giving up. I have prayed about it, and I know that I cannot continue in my efforts without a team. Perhaps God is telling me that it’s time to quit.
I don’t want to quit, but I have been waiting and praying for help every year, and it hasn’t materialized. I know it’s not good for my health, or for the family that I have here, that I stress so much. Depending on how this year goes, and on what help does or doesn’t arrive.. this might be the end.